We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out
of you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER
GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG BITCH!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you
because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more
entertainment from your irrational fuming.
We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire,
and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally
understand.
Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's
like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to
ignorantly fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think
before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.
For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you -
you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.
Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want
you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively
clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We
don't like you, but we do love you.
You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds"
and "geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And,
much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning
an insult around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so
have we done.
"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high
school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were
an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more
popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were
big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.
Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing
here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of
your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.
Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the
closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United
Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule.
Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.
You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come
to the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here:
knowledge.
"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is
universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind
those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's
real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's
hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck.
Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio?
Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?
Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.
If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:
1) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the
freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably
to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
2) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.
3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton
while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands
of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the
Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful
ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.
4) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other,
offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to
piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites
sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.
5) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle
with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he
explains current copyright and parody law.
6) The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.
7) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us.
Shut up.
8) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".
9) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say
that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now).
Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the
term "surfing".
10) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.
11) It's a hoax, not a virus warning.
12) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but
owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before
attempting to connect it to someone else's.
13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to
fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.
14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you
have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.
15) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of
anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone
number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will
snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the
point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all
public information, and information is our stock and trade.
16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.
17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.
18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're
already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.
19) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone
who can. RIGHT NOW.
Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings.
Don't ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them.
We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all
the trouble and go away.
