http://www.melbourne.indymedia.org/news/2005/02/87132_comment.php
Activist Scenes are No Safe Space for Women: On
Abuse of Activist Women by Activist Men
By Tamara K. Nopper
February 4, 2005
tnopper@???
As a woman who has experienced physical and
emotional abuse from men, some of whom I had long
relationships with, it is always difficult to
learn from other activist women that they are
being abused by activist men.
The interrelated issues of sexism, misogyny and
homophobia in activist circles is rampant, so it
is unsurprising that women are abused physically
and emotionally by activist men with whom they
work with on various projects.
I am not speaking abstractedly here. Indeed, I
know of various relationships between activist
men and women in which the latter is being abused
if not physically, emotionally. For example, a
long time ago a friend of mine showed me bruises
on her arm that she told me were from another
male activist. This woman certainly struggles
emotionally, which is somewhat expected given
that she has experienced physical abuse. What was
additionally heartbreaking to see is how the
woman was shunned by activist circles when she
tried to talk about her abuse or have it
addressed. Some told her to get over it, or to
focus on "real" male assholes such as prominent
political figures. Others told her to not let her
"personal problems" get in the way of "doing the
work."
I struggled with my friend's recovery too. As a
survivor of abuse, it was difficult to meet a
woman who in some ways was a ghost of me. I would
run into this woman, and she would randomly tell
me about another fight that she and her boyfriend
had gotten into. I would find myself avoiding
this woman because frankly, it was hard to look
at a woman who reminded me too much of who I was
not too long ago: a scared, embarrassed and
desperate person who would babble to anyone
willing to listen about what was happening to
her. In other words, I, like this woman, had gone
through the desperation of trying to get out of
an abusive relationship and needing to finally
tell people what was happening to me. And similar
to how this woman was treated, most people, even
those I called friends, shied away from listening
to me because they did not want to be bothered or
were struggling with their own emotional
struggles.
The embarrassment associated with telling people
that you have been abused, and like myself,
stayed in an abusive relationship, is made even
worse by the responses you get from people.
Rather than be sympathetic, many people were
disappointed in me. Many times I was told by
people that they were "surprised" to find out
that I had "put up with that shit" because unlike
"weak women," I was a "strong" and "political"
woman. This response is downright misogynist
because it denies how dominant patriarchy and
hatred of women and the "feminine" is, and
instead tries to place the blame on women. That
is, we are to ignore that women are being abused
by men and instead emphasize the character of
women as the definitive reason for why some are
abused and others don't "put up with that shit."
I can't help but think that other activist women
who have been abused, whether by activist men or
not, also face similar difficulties recovering
from abuse. Regardless of one's politics, women
can be and do get abused. Anyone who refuses to
believe this either just doesn't listen to women
or think about what women go through on the
regular. And this is because they are just
hostile to recognizing how pervasive and
normalized patriarchy and misogyny are-both
outside of and within activist circles.
More, a lot of us want to believe that activist
men really are different from our fathers,
brothers, old boyfriends, and male strangers we
confront in our daily routines. We want to have
some faith that the guy who writes a position
paper on sexism and posts it on his website is
not writing it just to make himself look good,
get pussy, or cover up some of his dangerous
practices towards women. We want to believe that
women are being respected for their skills,
energy and political commitment and are not being
asked to do work because they are viewed as
"exploitable" and "abuse-able" by activist men.
We want to believe that if an activist male made
an unwarranted advance or physically/sexually
assaulted an activist woman that it would
promptly and thoughtfully be dealt with by
organizations and political communities-and with
the input of the victim. We want to think that
activist groups are not so easily enticed by the
skills or "name-power" that an activist male
brings to a project that they are willing to let
a woman be abused or have her recovery go
unaddressed in exchange. And we would like to
think that "security culture" in activist circles
does not only focus on issues of listserv
protocol or using fake names at rallies but
actually includes thinking proactively about how
to deal with misogyny, patriarchy and
heterosexism both outside of and within the
activist scenes.
But all of these wishes, all of these dreams
obviously tend to go unaddressed. Instead, I know
of activist men who troll political spaces like
predators looking for women that they can
politically manipulate or fuck without
accountability. Like abusive priests, some of
these men literally move from city to city
looking to recreate themselves and find fresh
meat among those who are unfamiliar with their
reputation. And I have seen activist women give
their labor and skills to activist men (who often
take the credit) in hopes that the abusive
activist man will finally get his act right or
appreciate her as a human being.
While romance between activists is fine, I think
it is disgusting how activist men use romance to
control women politically and keep women
emotionally committed to helping the man out
politically, even when his politics are corny or
problematic. Or, in some cases, activist men get
involved in politics to find women they can
involve in abusive relationships and control. And
given that abuse brings out the worst in the
victim, I have seen where women interact with
other activists (particularly women) in ways they
might not normally if they were not being
politically and emotionally manipulated by men.
For example, I know of abused activist females
who have spread rumors about other activist women
or have gotten involved in political battles
between her boyfriend and other activists.
What's scary is that I know activist men who were
abusing and manipulating female activist and at
the same time, writing position papers on sexism
and competition between women. Sometimes the
activist male will pen the position paper with
his activist girlfriend in order to gain more
legitimacy. I know of activist men who quote bell
hooks, Gloria Anzaldua, or other feminist writers
one minute and are harassing or spreading lies
and gossip about their activist girlfriend the
next. And activist men will school activist women
on how to be less competitive with other women to
conceal their abusive and manipulative behavior.
What is more heartbreaking is the level of
support abusive activist men find from other
activists, male and female but most usually other
men. Not only do activist women have to confront
and negotiate their abuser in activist circles,
they must usually do so in a political community
that talks a good game but in the end could give
a shit about the victims' emotional and physical
safety. On many occasions I have listened to
women's stories of abuse be retold and recast by
activist men in a hostile and sexist manner. And
when they recast this story, they often do in
that voice, the voice that is snide, accusatory
and mocking.
For example, when I was sharing with an activist
male my concerns about how an activist female was
being treated by an activist male who held a
prominent position in a political group, the man
"listening" to my story said in that voice, "Oh,
she's probably just mad 'cause he started dating
someone else" and went on to make fun of her. He
continued to tell me that while he "acknowledges"
the man is wrong, the woman needs to stand up to
the man if she wants the treatment to stop.
Unfortunately this man's brand of misogyny
disguised as male feminism is all too common in
activist circles given that a lot of men in
general believe that women are abused because
they are weak or secretly want to be in
relationships with abusive men. More, his
comments revealed an attitude that assumes that
if activist women take issue with activist men,
they are "crying abuse" to cover up hidden sexual
desires and anger over being rejected by men who
"won't fuck them."
I find it disgusting that women's physical and
emotional safety is of little concern to activist
men in general. While activist men will pay some
lip service to how they need to keep their mouths
shut when women are talking or how women only
spaces are necessary, all too often "critical"
and "political" people do not want to confront
the fact that women are being abused by male
activists in our circles. When the issue is
"addressed," more often than not attention will
be given to "struggling with" the man (i.e.,
letting him stay and maybe just gossiping about
him). I have even seen some situations where
abusive men become adopted, so to speak, by other
activists, who see rehabilitating the man as part
of their project and think little about what this
means for the women who are trying to recover. In
some cases, the male activist abuser was adopted
while the woman was shunned as "unstable,"
"crazy" or "too emotional." Basically, these
groups would rather help a cold, calculating guy
who can "keep it together" while he abuses women
rather than deal with the reality that abuse can
contribute to emotional and social difficulties
among victims as they work to become survivors.
And in some cases, activist women will avoid
going to the police because she is critical of
the prison industrial complex but also because
other activist men will tell her she is
"contributing to the problem" by "bringing the
state in." But in most cases, the activist male
is not chastised for the problems he has created.
Thus, women are stuck having to figure out how to
insure her safety without being labeled a
"sell-out" by her activist peers.
While I am a strong believer that we need to try
to work towards healing rather than punishment
per se, I am painfully aware that we often put
more emphasis on helping men stay in activist
circles than supporting women through their
recoveries, which might involve the need to have
the man purged from the political group.
Basically, the group will usually determine that
the activist abuser must be allowed to heal
without asking the woman what she needs from the
group to heal and be supported in her process. I
know of many examples of where women are forced
to put up with the groups' unwillingness to
address abuse. Some will remain involved in
organizations because they believe in the work
and frankly, there are few spaces to go, if any,
where she is not at risk of being abused by
another activist or have her abuse unaddressed.
Others will simply leave the organization. I have
seen how these women get treated by other
activists-men and women-who treat women coldly or
gossip that they are selfish or sell-outs for
letting the personal get in way of "the work."
Or, if activist women who have been abused are
"supported," it is usually because she does "good
work" or that not addressing the abuse will be
"bad for the group." In this sense, the physical,
emotional and spiritual health of women is still
sacrificed. Instead, the woman's abuse must be
addressed because if it is not, she might not
continue doing "good work" for the organization
or there might be too much tension in the group
for it to run efficiently. Either way, women's
safety is not viewed as worthy of concern in and
of itself.
Overall, activist scenes are no safe space for
women because misogynists and abusive men exist
within them. More, many of these abusers use the
language, tools of activism and support by other
activists as means to abuse women and conceal
their behavior. And unfortunately, in a lot of
political circles, regardless of how much we talk
about patriarchy or misogyny, women are
sacrificed in order to keep up "the work" or save
the organization. Perhaps it is time we actually
just care that activist women are vulnerable to
being manipulated and abused by activist males
and consider that proactively addressing this is
an integral part of the "work" that activists
must do.
Tamara K. Nopper is a writer, educator and activist
living in
Philadelphia.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
